I am so sorry to all that check my blog and are so sick of hearing me whine and complain. I have really struggled in my life with certain things. My life is not what I imagined it to be. I don't have all that I always thought I would in my relationships and my life in general. I really just want to be honest about who I am and how I feel without having to worry about everyone being bothered. I apologize to all who are sick of it. This is my journal and in a way, a life line for me right now. I am lonely in lots of ways and food is my companion. How can I change that? How do I change my life when certain elements around me will never change??
I was thinking today about who I am. Last blog I was saying I need to be happy with who I am and proud of myself..... Today I am feeling like I wonder why I think I am happy like this??? I went on a playdate with some friends today and I was looking around, watching everyone and just thinking. There were lots of different kinds of Mom's there. Perfectly skinny Moms, pretty skinny Moms, a little overweight Mom's and the the BIG MOMMAS. (Which I didn't think I was in this category, but I am).
There is a different feeling when you watch the Mothers who are overweight and never take time to put on makeup or do their hair or wear nice clothes vs the Mother's who really take pride in what they look like, big or small. I am really guilty of not getting ready or buying myself any clothes or keeping up with my hair cuts or just plain doing my hair. I hate that when I see the overweight Mom's who don't take care of themselves, I have a judgement in my mind. I don't mean to judge but I do. I have a hard time thinking that I am the same as them, but I am. What are people thinking when they see me? What kinds of things are going through their heads about who I am and what kind of Mother I am? I am not saying that I care what people think but I do want to show who I am in the best light for myself and kids. I would be happier and more proud of who I was if I took care of myself and my body. I am not saying I have to be perfect but atleast try to be the best I can. Which I obviously don't do or I wouldn't look this way.
Everyday I wake up and think, "Ok, today is going to be a good day." Then I get hungry. I am definately addicted to food because I am like a drug addict that says, "Oh just one last hit and I'll quit tomorrow." I eat too much or something I shouldn't and I feel sick, then I swear I'll never do it again, but then I get hungry again. I am an addict to food. That is how I feel. I have heard about the 12 step program but I just feel dumb. My problem isn't as big as others but still I feel out of control. I watch shows with people who have lost hundreds of pounds and they say one day, it just clicked and they wanted to do it. How do I get that click? How do I find that will and want for myself? How can I find that determination to love myself and let the world and my kids see me in the light I'd like them to see me????
I am sad today. I already ate so much. I feel sick. I feel like I always disappoint myself. I always let myself down. I never keep the promises I make to myself. I let food win everytime. I want to be healthy and live for a long time. I want to find my own motivation for myself and ignore all the stuff around me that is making it hard. Anyway, that is my scoop today.
8 comments:
Wow...I'm not even sure what to say. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. When I'm having times I feel like all I want to do is eat I find it helps to get out of the house and do something to keep my mind off it. It's such a hard thing I guess we all have our challanges in life.
Hang in there, Aleisha. I gave a talk before we left Abu Dhabi talking about life lessons, and particularly about trials and enduring to the end. President Eyering, talking about qualifying for the Lord’s strength as we deal with adversity, said “The first, the middle and the last thing to do is pray.”
So my advice is to keep on praying, keep a journal of the good things that happen, and forgive yourself when you fall short!
Love ya
K
I completley agree with Kristin. Prayer is your lifeline for every aspect of your life. Prayer will help you feel qualified to be the mother of your beautiful children, it will help you find strength in all of your moments of weakness, it will help you feel not so lonely, and last but not least, it will help you forgive yourself for going overboard if you ever do. You can pray any time of the day or night and Heavenly Father will be there to listen and give comfort. I wish I could come down there and give you a great big hug. I love how real you are and I love reading your blog so don't ever worry about that. You inspire me with your incredible strength. Keep Moving Forward! You can do it. We are all on your side.
Your not the only one! You should try those pills!
That probably wasn't the best advice...hang in there Leish, one day it will get easier! I had to use hydroxycut to loose the last 10 lbs of pregnancy weight with cj. You drink so much water you are not that hungry. I was at a stand still and needed a little help. It worked. I wonder what I will have to do this time...can't wait
:(
Leish, its not easy to put yourself first. As a mom I felt some quilt if I did. But then I realized that when I was happy my kids and house(the inside) reflected how I felt. My kids were happier and I didn't get as upset with them because I had a good attitude...all from putting myself first. CRAZY! It's just a matter of figuring out when you can find the time. My time is at 6am. An hour before the kids get up for the day or 10pm when the kids are down. I exercise (walk) and I also keep a food journal of what I am eating. This helps remind me that I can wait until lunch or dinner, because it's right there in ink that I just ate less than an hour ago. So I tell myself "see you ate, now hang in there Bek." I still slip up, and kick myself for it, but after the tantram, you just got to get up and keep moving forward...life does whether you do or don't. So don't give up!! Take it one step at a time and you'll make it. I believe in you!!
Chin up and hold your head high!!! One of my favorite sayings "Fake it till you make!" This is a dumb little story - but it worked for me.
So right before I left for my mission in Russia, my MTC teacher told us how strange and awful it could be - but he told us when we got ourselves in a situation that we didn't think we could handle to repeat over and over in our heads "I love this place, I love this place." He said eventually we would find ourselves loving it.
Well - I did that for many months as I learned to deal with rude stinky people and situations -- eventually I found that I didn't need to repeat that in my mind -- because I loved that place.
I have since used this in my life when I can't handle how I look or feel or situations I am in. Positive affirmations work - and I find that I love myself despite the extra pounds, stretch marks, and ugly hair.
Anyhow just a weird thought
Hey hon, I've been reading your older posts and I just wanted to tell you how amazing you are. Your honesty about how you're feeling is beautiful and your desire to be a better and happier person is even more beautiful!
For the last year I've been fighting with myself and my addiction to food. Somewhere along the way I decided that food was my reward. I should have whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted because I deserved to be happy. Last year I totally changed my diet (and my husbands) and we started working out. I lost 40 lbs but have now put about 15 back on. It's hard and sometimes when it gets hard I just want chocolate!
Ya know, I don't do my hair or make-up hardly ever! lol I just don't care, but I do want to look and feel like I care about my body and my heath.
Oh, and if you do find the secrect to being positive let me know!!! I swear, I'm such a downer! *hugs*
Post a Comment