Hi

It has been 5 years since I was pregnant last. WOW! I am SO TIRED. I don't remember being this tired. I am 31 now and I was 27 last time I was pregnant. I hear the older you are, the harder it is. Another thing that I have been experiencing that is new to me is I have been having headaches and have been a little sick to my stomach. I haven't thrown up yet which is a blessing!!! I am just taking it easy.

I kind feel bad for my kids because we are home ALL DAY LONG. Either I don't feel good or I don't have any energy to go anywhere. I usually don't stay home like this. I love to get out and go to the park and be outside so it has been hard. I am so thankful to my SIL, Janelle for taking the kids over night so they could play. They had a great time. I guess the good thing about feeling pregnant is that it is a good sign that the baby is growing. POSITIVE THINKING.... I thought I'd want another baby after this but hmmmm I might be done and I have NEVER said that before so this is a good thing. I kinda worried that I would never feel finished. :)

I really am so excited about this baby. It will all be so worth it when I hold this cute little thing... 6 more weeks till we find out if it is a boy or a girl... I did all these funny quizzes on the internet and they ALL SAY BOY. Jason is pretty convinced we are having a boy. What do you think I'll have?

Tessa Jeanenne Black or
Chase Warren Black

journaling

I haven't journaled for so long.... So, I get so excited when I see that little baby on my blog. I can't believe I am almost out of my first trimester. 1/3 of the way there. It is crazy. I am having all sorts of emotions going on. I feel nervous, excited, happy, sad, frusterated, scared, hopeful, blessed all at different moments. hahaha

Lately the kids and I have been watching lots of home videos. Do you all LOVE to watch your home videos?? I have always loved to get them out and remember all the good memories with the kids. I can't believe how fast time flies. My babies are all getting so big and I feel like I have lost so much time. Do you ever feel like that? This time when I watched my home videos I felt regret. Why was this time different? I have no idea. I look back and wish I had enjoyed every minute of my life. I wish I wouldn't have worried so much about things. I wish I had more confidence. I wish I would have lived every moment at its best.

I am just writing down my thoughts from this past week. These are some of them. I think that getting married so young has a lot to do with how I felt. I didn't have a chance to grow up on my own. I went from my parents taking care of me, to my husband taking care of me. I took care of others but never myself. I do not regret getting married so young because I love my husband and my family more than life itself but I do think it is all a learning experience for me. Hello... life is all about learning and growing right? I just wish it didn't take me 13 years to figure out that I don't want to live my life in a blur. I want to remember moments and be proud of who I am and what I do.

In these home videos I felt happiness thru my kids or thru something my husband accomplished. I had 13 years of being overweight when I didn't have to be. I could have spent 13 years of happiness with my husband that I have now missed out on. I missed out on 13 years of confidence and love for myself. It is just interesting. I am determined to have a different outcome on my next 50 years. I want happiness and a fullness of life that I feel is missing in my life this past 13 years. I know that there will still be challenges. There always are challenges but there is something about that feeling of KNOWING you did your BEST.

To all my friends and family that had to deal with all my WHINNING and Complaining. I am sorry! hahaha I feel like I have lost friends and blog readers and commentors because maybe everyone was sick of hearing about all my negative attitude??? When I went to Mesquite with my HS friends last summer, I was so negative. Oh I just wish I could take that back so bad. I DO NOT want to be THAT person that nobody wants to invite. I don't like to be around complainers all the time.....URGH sorry I am just so mad that I have been like this for so long... Anyway, got that off my chest. Hope that you enjoyed that long read... hahahaha

Maybe all this is coming up because I am pregnant and I can't lose the rest of this weight like I want to. I felt SO GOOD and in CONTROl for the first time in my life. I love feeling in control of myself. I love knowing that I can change if I want to. IT SOUNDS SO FUNNY to even read that back but it is so true.

Guess what????

I'm pregnant....

Due at Christmas. I just went to the doctor today and they found my baby heartbeat. We have had an ultrasound and everything looks great so far. I have been so excited to tell everyone but nervous too because of my previous miscarriage. I am feeling really good about this baby but cross your fingers that this pregnancy will be healthy and strong..... I thought this was funny: I have been feeling pretty good. I don't get too sick. I get nautious if I don't eat and I AM WAY TIRED but other than that, so far so good. My youngest, Kaleb will be 5 1/2 when this baby comes so it has been a long time since our family has had a little one around. We are very excited. I have always wanted more babies and now it is coming true!! Now if I could just order a girl.... hahaha I actually don't care what it is, as long as it is healthy but Jaycee REALLY wants a sister. I am just thankful to have my one little girl even if she is the only one.