Great Day!

I am having a great day! I can't believe how much thinking positively has helped me. I have been praying so much too. I went to the gym today and burned 600 calories!!! YEAH! I finally started reading Twilight (That is why I burned so many calories, I started it at the gym this morning and it went by soooo fast). That will be a good thing for me to do when I get cravings for food or need a distraction.

I am looking on the bright side and I actually took time for myself and did my hair today. My husband came home and said, "You look nice honey!" Hip, Hip, Hooray!!! Just little things I do to change my attitude sneaks good things (or bad if I am negative) into all areas of my life. It really takes some effort to notice when my brain is being negative automatically when something happens or is said. I have to stop, think and change it into a positive thought. It has been real eye opening. I always thought I was happy and positive. Usually I am unless it is about myself and what I want. Weird. Anyway, I just wanted to write tonight. I want to journal this great day I've had.

Crazy things happen....

So.... My bad day continued throughout yesterday. I told Jason all about how I was feeling and he was really good to listen and not get down on me. That was so nice to feel support.

When I got home from play practice, Jason had this video on called "The Secret". I am sure most of you have heard it. I have heard about it but haven't ever seen it. Well, according to this video..... I am doing everything wrong. It talks about how you create all your own problems by always worrying about them and thinking about them. HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is totally me. I am looking back on all my posts and 90% of the time I am negative about myself.

Lately, Jason and I have both been really negative towards each other and our situations. It started getting really bad when we had to sale our house that we loved so much then I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. Plus, Jason worked so hard on creating a business and dedicated so many years of his life to a business that no longer exsists. This has been so hard for him. The sale of our house and loss of our business just made everything come to a end and put us in a negative mood I guess.

I can totally understand what this video is saying. So.... today I am going to try and control my thoughts and actions. I am going to try and be positive and focus on what I want to be and not what I don't want to be. I really don't mean to be so negative. Even when I went on my girls Mesquite trip, I felt like I was being so negative. I didn't mean to but that is how I was feeling, negative. So, that is what came across (in my opinion atleast).

Here we go again, try, try, try....... I love and appreciate all of you who take time to care. Thanks to you.

How I feel today

I am so sorry to all that check my blog and are so sick of hearing me whine and complain. I have really struggled in my life with certain things. My life is not what I imagined it to be. I don't have all that I always thought I would in my relationships and my life in general. I really just want to be honest about who I am and how I feel without having to worry about everyone being bothered. I apologize to all who are sick of it. This is my journal and in a way, a life line for me right now. I am lonely in lots of ways and food is my companion. How can I change that? How do I change my life when certain elements around me will never change??

I was thinking today about who I am. Last blog I was saying I need to be happy with who I am and proud of myself..... Today I am feeling like I wonder why I think I am happy like this??? I went on a playdate with some friends today and I was looking around, watching everyone and just thinking. There were lots of different kinds of Mom's there. Perfectly skinny Moms, pretty skinny Moms, a little overweight Mom's and the the BIG MOMMAS. (Which I didn't think I was in this category, but I am).

There is a different feeling when you watch the Mothers who are overweight and never take time to put on makeup or do their hair or wear nice clothes vs the Mother's who really take pride in what they look like, big or small. I am really guilty of not getting ready or buying myself any clothes or keeping up with my hair cuts or just plain doing my hair. I hate that when I see the overweight Mom's who don't take care of themselves, I have a judgement in my mind. I don't mean to judge but I do. I have a hard time thinking that I am the same as them, but I am. What are people thinking when they see me? What kinds of things are going through their heads about who I am and what kind of Mother I am? I am not saying that I care what people think but I do want to show who I am in the best light for myself and kids. I would be happier and more proud of who I was if I took care of myself and my body. I am not saying I have to be perfect but atleast try to be the best I can. Which I obviously don't do or I wouldn't look this way.

Everyday I wake up and think, "Ok, today is going to be a good day." Then I get hungry. I am definately addicted to food because I am like a drug addict that says, "Oh just one last hit and I'll quit tomorrow." I eat too much or something I shouldn't and I feel sick, then I swear I'll never do it again, but then I get hungry again. I am an addict to food. That is how I feel. I have heard about the 12 step program but I just feel dumb. My problem isn't as big as others but still I feel out of control. I watch shows with people who have lost hundreds of pounds and they say one day, it just clicked and they wanted to do it. How do I get that click? How do I find that will and want for myself? How can I find that determination to love myself and let the world and my kids see me in the light I'd like them to see me????

I am sad today. I already ate so much. I feel sick. I feel like I always disappoint myself. I always let myself down. I never keep the promises I make to myself. I let food win everytime. I want to be healthy and live for a long time. I want to find my own motivation for myself and ignore all the stuff around me that is making it hard. Anyway, that is my scoop today.

Family update....

I just felt like blogging tonight. Nothing special has happened but I can't sleep so here goes....
I am really happy with the kids school so far. I am feeling really good about the school choice I made.

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Jake comes home with a smile on his face everyday. Any of you that know Jake, know this is a great thing. He has hated school from day 1 of kindergarten. I have had to take this boy to school and leave him crying so many times. I end up crying right along with him. It is so great to know that he is happy. It is the best feeling. I hope he continues on this path. He is doing so good. I am so proud of him. He says he sits by a boy who needs his help and I think that makes Jake feel good that he is smart enough to help somebody. Another fun thing is in the play I am doing "The Secret Garden" there is a boy who plays Colin in it. This boy is in Jake's same class at Heritage. Jake thought that was really cool. Jake is taking piano lessons also. The teacher is so impressed with him. He is picking up on his playing so quickly. He just makes me proud. He is really growing up. He is so respectful and obedient. I am so lucky to have such a responsible boy.

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Jaycee is loving school too. She always has. She is a little social bug like her Mother. She is so cute and sweet. She really has a tender spirit about her. She never gives me fits or anything. Jaycee does like to pick out her clothes and do her own hair and I usually let her until school started. Now I have to approve it and do her hair (she can still choose how she'd like it done most of the time). We got in the car this morning to go to school and I could smell my purfume so strong. Jaycee finally confessed to spraying in her hair. I'm like..... "how many squirts did you use???" Hopefully her teacher didn't have an allergic reaction. ha ha ha. Jaycee is so sweet to her little brother, Kaleb. Everyday after school she asks Bubba what he did while she was at school. Then she gives him hugs and kisses. Tonight Jaycee went to my play practice. She was so fun to have there. She just sits and watches. I love to have her there. She went to Pine Valley with Grandma Kenworthy to have a sleep over tonight. She was so excited. I am so lucky to have a little girl like her.

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Kaleb has been so much fun while the kids are in school. I thought for sure he'd be so bored. He hasn't been at all. He is really good to entertain himself. He will get a toy and just pretend and play all by himself for hours. It is awesome. I haven't even turned on the TV for him very much at all. I love to see him pretending with his cars and little guys. He is so fun to take to the dollar store too. The other day he got mini skeletons. He has enjoyed those little things so much. I asked him if he is sad when the kids go to school and he said, "No, cuz then I can play with Jake's toys." Shhhhhhhh don't tell Jake. ha ha ha We love to cuddle and do puzzles, play and have lunch together. He is a joy to me. It has been really fun to have him all to myself. Kaleb is a fun little guy. He is very sensitive to my feelings. He is so lovey and always hugs and kisses me. He HATES it when I get upset at him. He cries and gets so hurt. I am blessed.

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Jason is still plugging along. He is always working. Jason really is amazing. He took apart my car motor and fixed my car. He thinks this is normal but it isn't. Not just anyone can take apart a motor and just fix it and put it together!!! He is so amazing with the talents he has been given. He can fix anything. He is such a hard worker. I went and mowed lawns with him the other day and I about died. Do you know how hard it is to labor in the 106 degree weather??? I was mowing and felt like I was going to pass out. It was crazy. It made me have a deeper appreciation for what he does. It makes me understand why he is so tired when he gets home. He has helped me out with the kids so much since I started the play. The kids love having him around more. I got double casted so that it wouldn't be so hard on Jason. It is a huge commitment. Not many people can handle their spouse doing plays. It is really a lot of time away in the evenings. Jason is working for his Dad and doing some lawn accounts on the side. I hope someday Jason will be happy. I haven't seen Jason happy for a long time. It makes me sad. I do love him so much. I hope I show it enough to him. I will be so happy the day I see Jason happy with his life and smiling and laughing. That will be a great day.

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You all pretty much know how I am. I went to the doctor the other day for a annual checkup and I told the nurse that I wish my weight numbers were as good as my blood pressure numbers. She said something to me that stuck with me. She said, "I've learned that we just need to chose to be happy with who we are." This really stuck with me. I may have not been blessed with a perfect body but I look at the wonderful kids I have. I am blessed to have the parents and brothers and sisters I have to support me daily. I look at the testimony I have of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints. I appreciate the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father. I was sent here to live a life of service and happiness. I need to do the best I can to live up to my potential. I need to be happy with the life I have been given. I need to appreciate the trials I have been given. I need to wake up everyday and do my best. I need to get my exercise and eat the best I can and not be so hard on myself. I need to focus on today and not worry about tomorrow. I need to fulfill myself in ways that make food take a back burner on my priority list. Hmmmm. Maybe this is why I needed to write tonight. I need a direction. I need inspiration. I need support and love. This blog is like therapy for me. I have always been one who journals. When I look back in my journals, most of the time I am complaining. I do complain here also but not ALL THE TIME. It is good to see the good in your life and write it down and appreciate it.

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Thank you to any of you who really read through this awfully long post. I really just couldn't stop myself. I am inspired right now. I can't help it. I love to blog. It has been such a great thing for me.

Jaycee has a BOYFRIEND??? WHAT???

Jaycee comes home from her first day of school just giddy and happy and says she has a boyfriend! In 1st grade? She said he kissed her at recess. Then she said, ''Me and my boyfriend were the only good ones in class!'' I asked her what his name is and she said.......''hmmmmm..... I'll find out tomorrow.'' Lol.

Her Daddy is in for a fight trying to keep the boys away from this beautiful girl.

I totally remember kissing tag in early grades but the boys bever liked me back. Maybe it was because of the bangs I had from ear to ear. Ha ha ha ..... Stay tuned for her next love story.

First Day of School

Kaleb, Jake and Jaycee. Kaleb had to put his backpack on too. I remember Jaycee doing the same thing when Jake was in 1st grade. She was so disappointed that she wasn't going to school too. Kaleb was the same way. He wants to go to school so bad but his preschool doesn't start for another 3 weeks.
Mrs. Haun and Jaycee. I really like her teacher so far. She is so nice.
Look at my little princess. I can't believe she is in 1st grade now.
Here are the kids again.
We didn't get a picture with Jake's teacher this time. I dropped off Jaycee first and then went to Jake's class and it had already started. That was weird for the first day of school I thought. His teacher is Mrs. Bertuzzi. She seems like lots of fun and Jake wasn't very excited till he met her. Then he got a little excited about going back. That was a relief. I hope he likes school more this year.

We put Jaycee's hair in curlers last night. I thought her hair turned out so cute.Jake and Jaycee had fun trying out the new playground before the bell rang.

Oh what an exciting day this has been. I was up till 3am blogging about our vacation and then had to wake up early to get the kids off to school. I am dragging. I wonder how Kaleb is going to do without his brother and sister here all day long. It is going to be fun. Right now he is just entertaining himself with some tools. He is a good boy. I am sure we will have a lot of fun together.

Day 2 at Lagoon.

We pulled our trailer to Lagoon this year. It was so much fun. It was nice because we felt at home and slept so good. We got back to the trailer at 11 pm on Saturday night and we all slept in till 10:30 the next morning. It was great. Kaleb, Jake, Jason and Jaycee.
The 2nd day, we met up with Jason's parents and brother Kasey. Kent and Ronalee brought Rylee with them too. This pic is of Rylee on the swings. She loved this ride. They went over and over again. She was really cute. She would make sure Kaleb was all buckled in before she got in her seat. She also had us all planned out. Everytime they got off a ride she'd say, "K, now we are going on the swings, then next the skyride, then the bumper cars, then........." What a cute little organized girl she is, just like her Mommy. We really enjoyed her.
Jaycee and Kaleb on the swings.
Rylee and Jaycee on the sky ride.
Rylee on the bumper cars.

Jaycee below.

Kaleb even was big enough to ride on the big bumper cars.

Here is Kasey and Jake. They both were just excited to go on all the crazy rides together. Jake loves his Uncle Kasey so much. They had a great time together.

Kasey and Jake were crazy enough to do the CATAPULT. It is this big ball that they swing up in the air like a sling shot. They got a video and everything. It was so hilarious to watch. Everyone around was so impressed that these two boys were brave enough to do it.

That is all folks. We had a great time. I can't wait till next year.

Day 1 at Lagoon

This is the first ride we went on. The white rollercoaster. When I got off the ride I realized that my phone was gone. It fell out of my pocket on the ride and I was so worried. I have a palm phone that I LOVE and I can't afford to replace it. Luckily the workers found it but It was really scratched up but it still works. I am so happy about that. I have insurance on the phone so I can get it replaced as long as I have the other phone to send back in. I was so glad I got it back. Mom and Jaycee
Kaleb was right on the 46" line. He was able to ride on most of the rides. He even went on the collassus. (However you spell it) . He'd go on a rollercoaster and say, "I was so brave!"
Jake
My sister Annalee was there with her inlaws on the same day. WEird. Here is Kaleb and Kaylee going on some rides together.
Kaleb on the cars.

I thought this was so cute. Kaleb was holding Kaylee's hand.

Jaycee is such a good big sister. She always took care of Kaleb.

Kaylee, Kaleb and Jaycee.

Bumper cars. I used to love this ride when I was a kid.

Jaycee loved going on the rides with Jake. She was so brave. She went on almost everyride with Jake. I loved seeing these two go together and have fun with each other. It doesn't happen very often.

Tidal wave.....

Kaleb and I rode the tidal wave too but we had to sit in the middle isle and the older kids wanted to be on the top rows. I hate this picture of me but I had to post it because of Bubba's face. I love it.

All the kids together.

Sorry for the picture overload. I can't pic just one.

On our way to SLC

Salt Lake here we come, but we had to stop for some squeaky cheese in Beaver. Kaleb and Jaycee
Jaycee
Jake
I thought I'd break this post up since I have so many pictures. Here we stopped at Burger King on our way up to SLC. The kids were so excited and I had to figure out the camera that my Mom let me borrow till I can get me a new one. (Thanks Mom).



We had quite an eventful trip. The kids were all so good. I WILL NOT tell you all that we ran out of gas on the freeway on the way there because that would be way too embarassing to tell. What is important is that we made it there and back in one piece.



I also have to say Thanks to so many comments to my last post. No matter how many times I complain, I still can't hear enough encouragement. I am really trying to figure out how to balance my life so that I am happy and fullfilled without food. Thanks for not just rolling your eyes and saying, "NOT A POST ABOUT HER WEIGHT, AGAIN!!!!!" Come on, you know you do. ha ha ha Seriously, I just have hard times with my weightloss and I really appreciate the words of encouragement. I am never going to give up. I am going to take all the advise into consideration to try new things. I learn new info everytime and I love it. I love that I am understood. I love that people can relate to me. I love that people out there see beyond my looks. Don't give up on me. I know I will succeed someday. I just need to keep on pluggin on. Love you all so much.

Weightloss - hello?

I started a weightloss program a couple weeks ago. I actually started a weightloss blog for myself that I don't even dare to give the blog address to anyone. I am so blunt and honest about all the aspects in my life that are a little too private for all to know. I wish I could share it and get encouragement and advise but I am too chicken..

I am reading back all my entries in my weightloss blog and EVERY SINGLE DAY I am sabatoging myself. I will go all day eating perfect and then it is late and I eat and ruin it. For no reason I chose to eat. I have lost 6 pounds so far but if I was good all the time I could have doubled that easily. I have lost this same 10 pounds 5 times over since January. I really would like to lose weight but I don't want to give up food.... So I guess I don't want it that bad. If that is the case, why don't I want it? What can I do to find the motivation? How can I find the will to want it? I know I can do anything I put my mind to. I just have to figure out how to get my mind there.

Please anyone out there? What is wrong with me? I just feel so lonely without food.

Not much....

My camera is broke so I won't be posting pics for a while. What a bummer. My car still isn't fixed but my husband took the engine apart and thinks he knows what the problem is. Yeah. I am so grateful for my old car. Seriously, I really am.

I have been having lots going on. I am LOVING play practices. It is going to be such a good show. My part is double cast so I will be doing the Monday and Friday night performances. So if you want to watch me than get tickets for those nights. I'll remind you when it gets closer. It doesn't open till mid sept.

I am excited about school starting. I found a preschool for Kaleb. The kids are getting excited. It will be so weird to have two of my three kids in school all day. Kaleb is going to get so bored of me. Ha ha ha