Jaycee did her own hair and........

........... it actually turned out pretty dang cute. I was quite impressed. She parted it all by herself too. I didn't help at ALL._________________________________________________________________

Here is Jake. He is such a good boy. I just love to see him smile and laugh. I am so glad he is happy at school this year.

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Jaycee and Kaleb are always being silly. They think they are wearing BRA'S when they do this.

Soooooo behind!

I can't believe I am so behind. I had computer problems. Isn't that a good enough excuse??? Atleast I know that I do have a life away from the computer now. ha ha haKaleb as a fat clown and Jaycee as a fat cat in the hat. They stuffed themselves with as many pillows as they could.


These pictures were taken a few weeks ago at my Mom's house in Pine Valley. The kids love to go there. My Mom always takes the old costumes the theater doesn't need anymore and lets the kids dress up. It was so funny when Kaleb and Jaycee came downstair to show us.

Great Day!

I am having a great day! I can't believe how much thinking positively has helped me. I have been praying so much too. I went to the gym today and burned 600 calories!!! YEAH! I finally started reading Twilight (That is why I burned so many calories, I started it at the gym this morning and it went by soooo fast). That will be a good thing for me to do when I get cravings for food or need a distraction.

I am looking on the bright side and I actually took time for myself and did my hair today. My husband came home and said, "You look nice honey!" Hip, Hip, Hooray!!! Just little things I do to change my attitude sneaks good things (or bad if I am negative) into all areas of my life. It really takes some effort to notice when my brain is being negative automatically when something happens or is said. I have to stop, think and change it into a positive thought. It has been real eye opening. I always thought I was happy and positive. Usually I am unless it is about myself and what I want. Weird. Anyway, I just wanted to write tonight. I want to journal this great day I've had.

Crazy things happen....

So.... My bad day continued throughout yesterday. I told Jason all about how I was feeling and he was really good to listen and not get down on me. That was so nice to feel support.

When I got home from play practice, Jason had this video on called "The Secret". I am sure most of you have heard it. I have heard about it but haven't ever seen it. Well, according to this video..... I am doing everything wrong. It talks about how you create all your own problems by always worrying about them and thinking about them. HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is totally me. I am looking back on all my posts and 90% of the time I am negative about myself.

Lately, Jason and I have both been really negative towards each other and our situations. It started getting really bad when we had to sale our house that we loved so much then I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. Plus, Jason worked so hard on creating a business and dedicated so many years of his life to a business that no longer exsists. This has been so hard for him. The sale of our house and loss of our business just made everything come to a end and put us in a negative mood I guess.

I can totally understand what this video is saying. So.... today I am going to try and control my thoughts and actions. I am going to try and be positive and focus on what I want to be and not what I don't want to be. I really don't mean to be so negative. Even when I went on my girls Mesquite trip, I felt like I was being so negative. I didn't mean to but that is how I was feeling, negative. So, that is what came across (in my opinion atleast).

Here we go again, try, try, try....... I love and appreciate all of you who take time to care. Thanks to you.

How I feel today

I am so sorry to all that check my blog and are so sick of hearing me whine and complain. I have really struggled in my life with certain things. My life is not what I imagined it to be. I don't have all that I always thought I would in my relationships and my life in general. I really just want to be honest about who I am and how I feel without having to worry about everyone being bothered. I apologize to all who are sick of it. This is my journal and in a way, a life line for me right now. I am lonely in lots of ways and food is my companion. How can I change that? How do I change my life when certain elements around me will never change??

I was thinking today about who I am. Last blog I was saying I need to be happy with who I am and proud of myself..... Today I am feeling like I wonder why I think I am happy like this??? I went on a playdate with some friends today and I was looking around, watching everyone and just thinking. There were lots of different kinds of Mom's there. Perfectly skinny Moms, pretty skinny Moms, a little overweight Mom's and the the BIG MOMMAS. (Which I didn't think I was in this category, but I am).

There is a different feeling when you watch the Mothers who are overweight and never take time to put on makeup or do their hair or wear nice clothes vs the Mother's who really take pride in what they look like, big or small. I am really guilty of not getting ready or buying myself any clothes or keeping up with my hair cuts or just plain doing my hair. I hate that when I see the overweight Mom's who don't take care of themselves, I have a judgement in my mind. I don't mean to judge but I do. I have a hard time thinking that I am the same as them, but I am. What are people thinking when they see me? What kinds of things are going through their heads about who I am and what kind of Mother I am? I am not saying that I care what people think but I do want to show who I am in the best light for myself and kids. I would be happier and more proud of who I was if I took care of myself and my body. I am not saying I have to be perfect but atleast try to be the best I can. Which I obviously don't do or I wouldn't look this way.

Everyday I wake up and think, "Ok, today is going to be a good day." Then I get hungry. I am definately addicted to food because I am like a drug addict that says, "Oh just one last hit and I'll quit tomorrow." I eat too much or something I shouldn't and I feel sick, then I swear I'll never do it again, but then I get hungry again. I am an addict to food. That is how I feel. I have heard about the 12 step program but I just feel dumb. My problem isn't as big as others but still I feel out of control. I watch shows with people who have lost hundreds of pounds and they say one day, it just clicked and they wanted to do it. How do I get that click? How do I find that will and want for myself? How can I find that determination to love myself and let the world and my kids see me in the light I'd like them to see me????

I am sad today. I already ate so much. I feel sick. I feel like I always disappoint myself. I always let myself down. I never keep the promises I make to myself. I let food win everytime. I want to be healthy and live for a long time. I want to find my own motivation for myself and ignore all the stuff around me that is making it hard. Anyway, that is my scoop today.

Family update....

I just felt like blogging tonight. Nothing special has happened but I can't sleep so here goes....
I am really happy with the kids school so far. I am feeling really good about the school choice I made.

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Jake comes home with a smile on his face everyday. Any of you that know Jake, know this is a great thing. He has hated school from day 1 of kindergarten. I have had to take this boy to school and leave him crying so many times. I end up crying right along with him. It is so great to know that he is happy. It is the best feeling. I hope he continues on this path. He is doing so good. I am so proud of him. He says he sits by a boy who needs his help and I think that makes Jake feel good that he is smart enough to help somebody. Another fun thing is in the play I am doing "The Secret Garden" there is a boy who plays Colin in it. This boy is in Jake's same class at Heritage. Jake thought that was really cool. Jake is taking piano lessons also. The teacher is so impressed with him. He is picking up on his playing so quickly. He just makes me proud. He is really growing up. He is so respectful and obedient. I am so lucky to have such a responsible boy.

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Jaycee is loving school too. She always has. She is a little social bug like her Mother. She is so cute and sweet. She really has a tender spirit about her. She never gives me fits or anything. Jaycee does like to pick out her clothes and do her own hair and I usually let her until school started. Now I have to approve it and do her hair (she can still choose how she'd like it done most of the time). We got in the car this morning to go to school and I could smell my purfume so strong. Jaycee finally confessed to spraying in her hair. I'm like..... "how many squirts did you use???" Hopefully her teacher didn't have an allergic reaction. ha ha ha. Jaycee is so sweet to her little brother, Kaleb. Everyday after school she asks Bubba what he did while she was at school. Then she gives him hugs and kisses. Tonight Jaycee went to my play practice. She was so fun to have there. She just sits and watches. I love to have her there. She went to Pine Valley with Grandma Kenworthy to have a sleep over tonight. She was so excited. I am so lucky to have a little girl like her.

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Kaleb has been so much fun while the kids are in school. I thought for sure he'd be so bored. He hasn't been at all. He is really good to entertain himself. He will get a toy and just pretend and play all by himself for hours. It is awesome. I haven't even turned on the TV for him very much at all. I love to see him pretending with his cars and little guys. He is so fun to take to the dollar store too. The other day he got mini skeletons. He has enjoyed those little things so much. I asked him if he is sad when the kids go to school and he said, "No, cuz then I can play with Jake's toys." Shhhhhhhh don't tell Jake. ha ha ha We love to cuddle and do puzzles, play and have lunch together. He is a joy to me. It has been really fun to have him all to myself. Kaleb is a fun little guy. He is very sensitive to my feelings. He is so lovey and always hugs and kisses me. He HATES it when I get upset at him. He cries and gets so hurt. I am blessed.

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Jason is still plugging along. He is always working. Jason really is amazing. He took apart my car motor and fixed my car. He thinks this is normal but it isn't. Not just anyone can take apart a motor and just fix it and put it together!!! He is so amazing with the talents he has been given. He can fix anything. He is such a hard worker. I went and mowed lawns with him the other day and I about died. Do you know how hard it is to labor in the 106 degree weather??? I was mowing and felt like I was going to pass out. It was crazy. It made me have a deeper appreciation for what he does. It makes me understand why he is so tired when he gets home. He has helped me out with the kids so much since I started the play. The kids love having him around more. I got double casted so that it wouldn't be so hard on Jason. It is a huge commitment. Not many people can handle their spouse doing plays. It is really a lot of time away in the evenings. Jason is working for his Dad and doing some lawn accounts on the side. I hope someday Jason will be happy. I haven't seen Jason happy for a long time. It makes me sad. I do love him so much. I hope I show it enough to him. I will be so happy the day I see Jason happy with his life and smiling and laughing. That will be a great day.

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You all pretty much know how I am. I went to the doctor the other day for a annual checkup and I told the nurse that I wish my weight numbers were as good as my blood pressure numbers. She said something to me that stuck with me. She said, "I've learned that we just need to chose to be happy with who we are." This really stuck with me. I may have not been blessed with a perfect body but I look at the wonderful kids I have. I am blessed to have the parents and brothers and sisters I have to support me daily. I look at the testimony I have of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints. I appreciate the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father. I was sent here to live a life of service and happiness. I need to do the best I can to live up to my potential. I need to be happy with the life I have been given. I need to appreciate the trials I have been given. I need to wake up everyday and do my best. I need to get my exercise and eat the best I can and not be so hard on myself. I need to focus on today and not worry about tomorrow. I need to fulfill myself in ways that make food take a back burner on my priority list. Hmmmm. Maybe this is why I needed to write tonight. I need a direction. I need inspiration. I need support and love. This blog is like therapy for me. I have always been one who journals. When I look back in my journals, most of the time I am complaining. I do complain here also but not ALL THE TIME. It is good to see the good in your life and write it down and appreciate it.

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Thank you to any of you who really read through this awfully long post. I really just couldn't stop myself. I am inspired right now. I can't help it. I love to blog. It has been such a great thing for me.

Jaycee has a BOYFRIEND??? WHAT???

Jaycee comes home from her first day of school just giddy and happy and says she has a boyfriend! In 1st grade? She said he kissed her at recess. Then she said, ''Me and my boyfriend were the only good ones in class!'' I asked her what his name is and she said.......''hmmmmm..... I'll find out tomorrow.'' Lol.

Her Daddy is in for a fight trying to keep the boys away from this beautiful girl.

I totally remember kissing tag in early grades but the boys bever liked me back. Maybe it was because of the bangs I had from ear to ear. Ha ha ha ..... Stay tuned for her next love story.