On a different note: There was this person who looked at my blog a couple of weeks ago. It just happened to be a post about my weightloss struggles. This person doesn't EVER look at it either. Weird. Anyway, his response to my blogging was, '' Do you want people to feel sorry for you or something?'' This made me ponder. I really didn't intend on people feeling sorry for me. I just wanted advise. I love to hear advise. It doesn't even have to be nice advise. You could tell me that I am required by law to be skinny to better my relationships and it is spousal abuse if I don't. I would take it in and try to use it for the best.
Life is hard. Everyone has their different struggles. I wish mine didn't affect a relationship so much but the fact is.... It does. I am striving to find the answers to why I eat and why I am okay with myself 100 pounds overweight (or atleast think I am okay with it). I just need a place to be able to write down my thoughts. I want REAL advise. I want REAL OPINIONS. I don't want pity. I don't want to hear that people should love me no matter what I look like cuz it isn't reality for me. I want the truth that'll kick my butt into gear once and for all!!
Why do I blog about this? Why am I honest about my trials? I don't know how to be any other way. I like to talk about it to maybe find some insight on what is going on with me. I want to find out what the heck is wrong with me and how I can fix it. I have been working out 3 to 5 days a week for 4 months now with no weight loss but I am not passionate about losing weight like I wish I was. I undo all that I do at the workout with the food I choose to eat. That is what I don't understand. I won't give up until I win this weight battle no matter what it takes and no matter how long it takes me. There really isn't any bad that would come out of me losing weight. I would mourn the loss of my favorite foods but I would welcome the love of my life to be proud to be with me again. I would be proud of what I look like. I would be happier. I would hopefully feel secure in my relationship.
The fact is that I am not grasping the fact that I am as big as I am. I took my kids to the park today and there was a lady that I saw might be equal to my size. I asked Jake if we were the same size and he said yes. When I look in the mirror, I don't see it. I know it but I don't realize it. Does that make any sense at all? It is weird. I mentally DO NOT realize how big I am. I don't know how to see my reality. Does anyone else feel this way?
Anyway, That is my 2 cents for the day...... Enjoy it for today. Be greatful if you happen to be one of those women blessed with skinnyness without any effort. There are lots of people with different addictions. Too bad I can't hide mine in my purse or in the highest cabinet. When I am not doing good, it shows on my butt! ha ha ha Those who can eat whatever they want and enjoy it, have no idea what life is like without food. That might sound weird but most of us look forward to eating don't we?
7 comments:
First, ever time I read about you kids I'm so impressed with how thoughtful and sweet they are. It's obvious that you are doing an amazing job being a mom to those beautiful kids!
Second, I appreciate your honesty about your struggles and it makes me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one. You should have a safe place to express yourself and seek help from others. I think you're amazing for doing that!
Third, I totally understand. I don't know if you remember but I put on about 50 lbs in 2 months towards the end of our senior year. It was devastating and embarrassing. It took years to find out what was happening with my body and ever since then its been a battle for me. Last year I started working out 5 times a week and totally changed my diet, I lost about 40 lbs... but, well, with school and stuff I haven't been working out and I've gained back about 20. I have to be so careful about what I eat and work out all the time and I hate it. I love food, I love to bake, and I love to cook! And yes, I also feel like I am not as big as I am.
And fourth, you are one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out!!!
Okay - I'm appalled at someone saying that on your blog... NO ONE has the right to say that! I always appreciate that on YOUR blog it's honest - what you really have on your mind!! It's not sugar coated - if it's a down day you say it!! If I have a down day (which I DO) I probably won't blog that day...
I hate to see you get down because of how others perceive you. I think it's wonderful that you feel good in your own skin - so many people don't! Your SO very talented and SUCH a great mommy! I think you're a great person!
*On a side note - if someone like that is looking at your blog maybe you should go private?!
I completely know what you mean, I still see the 17 year old hottie in the mirror, and I am far from it. Who knows what the answers are, I have stupid ovaries that want me to be fat. I worked out faithfully at the gym for a year with no success, that when I went to the Dr. and found out what was up. One thing to remember, is what will your kids say about you when they are grown? Are they gonna say, "my mom was a fattie"? Or will they say, "my mom taught me that everyone is different, and we should love the difference between on another"? I think you are beautiful!!! Good luck.
Thanks girls for your comments. It makes my day to hear from you. It really means a lot.
Thank you for this post! I am happy the party went well!! It does your heart good as a parent when your children express gratitude. I know it is important to me that my kids realize all the blessings in their lives. We are truly blessed even when times are hard there is always something to be grateful for.
I also appreciate your honesty about your weight and your relationship with food. I have struggled my whole life with eating disorders and using food as comfort or denying myself of food. I have worked through so much, but I still struggle.
I look in a mirror and see someone much bigger than I am and I am so hard on myself. But, I just take it one day at a time and I am trying to change my relationship with food. I am trying to see it as nourishment instead of "the enemy" or at times "my comfort".
Roger has really helped me through a lot. Right now we have a gym membership and he kicks me out of bed in the mornings to get there. He works out faithfully and is trying to "gain" weight and muscle. How would that be? We are working together to plan out meals and make better food choices. It is a lifestyle change and it helps to have support, whether it be family or friends.
I am trying to shift from "losing weight" to "getting healthy" and giving my body what it needs regardless what size I end up being. I am much happier when I exercise, it feels good! I give myself one cheat day where I can eat whatever I want and that helps too. I look forward to it and plan out what "naughty" thing I am going to devour.
Anyway, I love you and I honestly think you are beautiful. You are an amazing wife and mother and oh that voice! I want you to be happy so however you choose to do that I will be behind you 100%!! :)
Leish,
You know my thoughts and my feelings about that whole issue...and we discussed this the other day via facebook. You are so very dear to me...and you look just as beautiful then...as you do today. Loving ourselves comes in many different sizes.
Much love,
Rance
You know, I think everyone loves food! I just gained 5 pounds in just over 1 week. I know that I'm pregnant, but that is still some impressive weight gain! :)
Anyway -- I liked the comment that said you should work on being healthy not skinny. If you loose weight for any other reason but for yourself - it won't really be permanent. People change, opinions change, trials change, but loving yourself and knowing how important you are eternally, is one constant we should all strive to have a testimony of.
Your specific weight doesn't matter -- but not loving yourself enough to be healthy is just the same as hurting any one of God's children. I know you would NEVER talk bad about anyone else, you are such a positive person to be around. However, I think we all seem to think it's okay to cut our own self esteem, and be overly self-critical, but it's not.
If you don't feel good about yourself, those feelings are coming from Satan.
If you do not feel healthy -- I'm here to kick your butt (via blogging) because you are too good of a friend, mother, aunt, sister to not put some real effort into improving your quality of life (ie - living longer and happier with your family and friends!) My dad's heart attack could have been avoided had he taken better care of himself. That was really sad to have to go through because he "didn't like doctors."
I hate those people that are trying to GAIN weight. That will never be my trial... But we all have trials. We have to conquer them!! that's the whole purpose. Sometimes we have to pray for the desire to have the desire for things.
Look how cute your house is for Christmas -- I sit around and think, I wish I liked decorating or cleaning my house and I see blogs like yours and think I should be able to do it all.
Re-read Elder Ballard's May conference talk. "Enjoy the shining moments" and don't get down on yourself. You are an AMAZING person! You will come out conquerer. Just remember why you are doing it.
I hope this wasn't too personal or preachy (but I assume you are serious when you write you want real advise -- that's another thing I love about you -- you are so real!) I think you are great and love reading your blog!
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